Why The Narcissist Cheat

The Narcissist:

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (2013) Narcissistic Personality Disorder diagnostic criteria are as follows:

·         Persistent pattern of grandiosity

·         Requires disproportionate admiration.

·         Largely lacking in empathy or unwillingness to recognize others’ feelings.

·         Self-importance (unjustifiably high importance of ones self, their accomplishments, their abilities)

·         Requires acknowledgment of their preeminence with little corresponding accomplishments.

·         Consumed with fantasies of unparalleled beauty, success, intelligence, love and wealth. 

·         Feelings of being outside the norm and therefore can only be understood by those of prominence.

·         Self-entitled and expects special treatment.

·         Manipulative and exploitative of others for selfish needs.

·         Jealous and resentful of others and believes others are jealous of them.

 “Narcissism” originated from the Greek myth of Narcissus, who was a handsome young man who fell in love with his own reflection from the river water and remained there until he died (Editors of Encyclopedia Britannica, 2014). 

Narcissus, wall painting; from the House of Lucretius Fronto, Pompeii, Italy, ad 14-62.

Alinari/Art Resurse, New York

Freudian psychoanalysis of narcissism suggests that it is a necessary for all people to be narcissistic.  He believed that we are all driven by personal agendas and survival instincts; which he called primary narcissism.  In terms of personality and relationships Freud spoke of narcissistic love suggesting,

“A person may love: According to the narcissistic type:

·         What he himself is (himself)

·         What he himself was,

·         What he himself would like to be,

·         Someone who was once part of himself” (Jackson, 1995, p. 27)

It is because of this need for self-love and superiority at the expense of others, narcissism is often a predictor of infidelity.

Why Narcissist Cheat

Narcissistic people need to feel in control, have power over people, constantly requiring the admiration from others and their short attention span are just a few of the reasons narcissists are often not able to commit.  They often idealize their mates in the beginning of a relationship and set unreachable expectations for them.  Believing that their mate, "should meet his every sexual and emotional need 24/7/365, without fail. In his narcissistic and self-focused way, he doesn’t understand that his spouse may be juggling multiple priorities in addition to him and the relationship" (Diamond, 2010).  Once their partner does not meet their impossible expectations they feel entitled to look to someone else for someone who fills their needs. 

Another reason is that true intimacy cannot exist for them because they are not able to empathize with another person.  According to the investment model, commitment is made up of satisfaction, investments and alternatives.  “Narcissists perceive greater alternative to their relationships and this leads to lesser commitment (Campbell & Foster, 2002 in vous).  It is because narcissists are always looking for more admiration they are very aware of their alternatives and therefore seek them out. 

            From the admiration of others, a narcissistic person may gain an emotional high or rush.  Similar to a drug addiction, they are constantly looking to increase the high once they are desensitized to it.  Cheating then becomes sport like and can be described as “fun” by a narcissistic person.  They are energized from it and therefore are in a constant quest for praise and admiration.  Knowing they need admiration, like a car needs gas, a narcissistic person is always putting their best foot forward in order to attract their current or their future romantic conquests (Wood, 2008).

Rationalizing “Bad” Behavior

According Sperry (2003), when a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder is confronted with their moral mishaps they rationalize their behaviors using eleven defense mechanisms such as, but not limited to, the following:

-Intellectualization: The client uses excessive abstract thinking, intellectual reasoning, or generalizations to control or minimize emotional discomfort.

-Repression: The client expels disturbing wishes, thoughts, or experiences from consciousness. The emotions may remain.

-Devaluation. The client attributes grossly exaggerated negative qualities to themselves or to others.

-Projection. The client falsely attributes to another person their own unacceptable feelings, impulses or thoughts. This is a protective measure to prevent the erosion of self.

-Rationalization. The client conceals their true motivations for their own thoughts, actions, or feelings through the elaboration of reassuring or self-serving but incorrect explanations” (Sperry, 2003).

From the narcissist’s perspective using these defense excuses their behavior and those around them accept it and will not prosecute them for it.  The narcissist, in turn, has gotten all he/she needs from the relationship and will continue to commit the bad behavior as long as they can rationalize it.  

            Although people with narcissistic personality traits feel little empathy for those they cheat on they are not purposely trying to hurt their partner.  It has very little to do with the partner at all because the narcissists does not naturally put themselves in the other persons shoes and therefore does not comprehend the trauma and pain they have caused their mate.

Therese Schmoll treats both narcissist and those in relationships with a narcissist in her practice. To schedule and initial consultation, please call her office at (310) 281-6977.

References

Campbell, W., & Foster, J. Narcissism and Resistance To Doubts About Romantic Partners. Journal of Research in Personality, , 550-557.

Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders: DSM-5. (5th ed.). (2013). Washington, D.C.: American Psychiatric Association.

Editors of Encyclopædia Britannica. (2014, January 2). Narcissus (Greek mythology). Encyclopedia Britannica Online. Retrieved March 5, 2014, from http://www.britannica.com/EBchecked/topic/403458/Narcissus

Foster, C. A., & Campbell, W. K. (). Narcissism And Commitment In Romantic Relationships: An Investment Model Analysis. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, , 484-495.

Jackson, E. (1995). Calling the Question. Strategies of deviance studies in gay male representation. Bloomington: Indiana University Press.

Mayo Clinic Staff. (n.d.). Narcissistic personality disorder. Definition. Retrieved April 16, 2014, from http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/basics/definition/con-20025568

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) Treatment, Symptoms, Causes - MedicineNet. (2012, May 31).MedicineNet. Retrieved April 3, 2014, from http://www.medicinenet.co m/narcissistic_personality_disorder/article.htm

Sperry, L. (2003). Handbook of diagnosis and treatment of DSM-IV-TR personality disorders (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Brunner-Routledge.

Wood, J. V. (2008). Narcissism and Interpersonal Self-Regulation. The self and social relationships (). New York: Psychology Press.