Interesting Information about Adult
Children of Alcoholics
Some adults who
survived a childhood raised by an alcoholic may experience problems with the
development and maintenance of interpersonal relationships as they mature. Many
adult children of alcoholics continue to support the “don’t talk” rule and deny
that there were problems in the homes of their youth. Others may admit that
drinking took place in their home but the drinking has had no impact on their
current lifestyles. In his book, A Primer on Adult Children of Alcoholics, Dr.
Timmen L. Cermak lists sixteen characteristics that adult children of
alcoholics (ACoAs) frequently display. In brief, these characteristics are:
• Fear of
losing control. ACoAs maintain control of their feelings and behavior. In
addition, they try to control the feelings and behavior of others. They do not
do this to hurt themselves or others, but because they are afraid. They fear
their lives will get worse if they lose control and they become uncomfortable
and anxious when they cannot control situations, feelings and behaviors.
• Fear of
feelings. Since childhood and continuing as adults, ACoAs have buried their
feelings (especially anger and sadness). In addition, they’ve lost the ability
to feel or express emotions freely. Eventually they fear all intense feelings,
even good ones such as joy and happiness.
• Overdeveloped
sense of responsibility. ACoAs are hypersensitive to the needs of others. Their
self-esteem comes from how others view them. They have a compulsive need to be
perfect.
• Guilt
feelings. When ACoAs stand up for themselves instead of giving in to others,
they feel guilty. They usually sacrifice their own needs in an effort to be
“responsible.”
• Inability to
relax/let go/have fun. Having fun is stressful for ACoAs, especially when
others are watching. The child inside is terrified; exercising all the control
it can muster to be good enough just to survive. Under such rigid control,
spontaneity suffers.
• Harsh, even
fierce, self-criticism. ACoAs have very low self-esteem, regardless how
competent they may be in many areas.
• Denial.
Whenever ACoAs feel threatened, their tendency toward denial intensifies.
• Difficulty
with intimate relationships. To ACoAs, intimacy equates to being out of
control. It requires love for self and expressing one’s own needs. As a result,
ACoAs frequently have difficulty with sexuality. They repeat unsuccessful
relationship patterns.
• Living life
as a victim. ACoAs may be either aggressive or passive victims. They are often
attracted to other “victims” in love, friendship and work relationships.
• Compulsive
behavior. ACoAs may work compulsively, eat compulsively, become addicted to a
relationship or behave in other compulsive ways. ACoAs may drink compulsively
and become alcoholics themselves.
• Tendency to
confuse love and pity. Because they don’t differentiate between these two
emotions, ACoAs often “love” people they can pity and rescue.
• Fear of
abandonment. In order not to experience the pain of abandonment, ACoAs will do
anything to hold on to a relationship.
• Tendency to
view issues in terms of black or white. When they are under stress, the gray
areas of life disappear
• Tendency toward physical complaints. ACoAs
suffer higher rates of stress related illnesses (migraine headaches, ulcers,
eczema, irritable bowel syndrome, etc.) than the general population. To help
adult children of alcoholics to heal from their past, The Center for Substance
Abuse Prevention recommends that these individuals:
• Become
involved in Al-Anon and/or Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings, and in
individual therapy;
• Develop
support systems - Do not share your decision with people who will question you
or belittle your decision; Learn how to ask for help. If you feel that your
life is described by these characteristics, please know that you are not alone.
Help is available!
Resources:
Books:
Adult Children
of Alcoholics: Expanded Edition. By Janet Woititz. (HCI Publishers, 1990.)
Healthy
Parenting: An Empowering Guide for Adult Children.
Edited by Janet
Geringer Woititz, Ed.D. (Fireside Books, 1992.)
Websites:
http://www.adultchildren.org
http://www.nacoa.org/
Children’s
Program Kitavailable from NCADI
http://store.health.org/catalog/productDetails.aspx?ProductID=17245
