Interesting Information about Adult Children of Alcoholics

Interesting Information about Adult Children of Alcoholics

Some adults who survived a childhood raised by an alcoholic may experience problems with the development and maintenance of interpersonal relationships as they mature. Many adult children of alcoholics continue to support the “don’t talk” rule and deny that there were problems in the homes of their youth. Others may admit that drinking took place in their home but the drinking has had no impact on their current lifestyles. In his book, A Primer on Adult Children of Alcoholics, Dr. Timmen L. Cermak lists sixteen characteristics that adult children of alcoholics (ACoAs) frequently display. In brief, these characteristics are:

• Fear of losing control. ACoAs maintain control of their feelings and behavior. In addition, they try to control the feelings and behavior of others. They do not do this to hurt themselves or others, but because they are afraid. They fear their lives will get worse if they lose control and they become uncomfortable and anxious when they cannot control situations, feelings and behaviors.

• Fear of feelings. Since childhood and continuing as adults, ACoAs have buried their feelings (especially anger and sadness). In addition, they’ve lost the ability to feel or express emotions freely. Eventually they fear all intense feelings, even good ones such as joy and happiness.

• Overdeveloped sense of responsibility. ACoAs are hypersensitive to the needs of others. Their self-esteem comes from how others view them. They have a compulsive need to be perfect.

• Guilt feelings. When ACoAs stand up for themselves instead of giving in to others, they feel guilty. They usually sacrifice their own needs in an effort to be “responsible.”

• Inability to relax/let go/have fun. Having fun is stressful for ACoAs, especially when others are watching. The child inside is terrified; exercising all the control it can muster to be good enough just to survive. Under such rigid control, spontaneity suffers.

• Harsh, even fierce, self-criticism. ACoAs have very low self-esteem, regardless how competent they may be in many areas.

• Denial. Whenever ACoAs feel threatened, their tendency toward denial intensifies.

• Difficulty with intimate relationships. To ACoAs, intimacy equates to being out of control. It requires love for self and expressing one’s own needs. As a result, ACoAs frequently have difficulty with sexuality. They repeat unsuccessful relationship patterns.

• Living life as a victim. ACoAs may be either aggressive or passive victims. They are often attracted to other “victims” in love, friendship and work relationships.

• Compulsive behavior. ACoAs may work compulsively, eat compulsively, become addicted to a relationship or behave in other compulsive ways. ACoAs may drink compulsively and become alcoholics themselves.

• Tendency to confuse love and pity. Because they don’t differentiate between these two emotions, ACoAs often “love” people they can pity and rescue.

• Fear of abandonment. In order not to experience the pain of abandonment, ACoAs will do anything to hold on to a relationship.

• Tendency to view issues in terms of black or white. When they are under stress, the gray areas of life disappear

 • Tendency toward physical complaints. ACoAs suffer higher rates of stress related illnesses (migraine headaches, ulcers, eczema, irritable bowel syndrome, etc.) than the general population. To help adult children of alcoholics to heal from their past, The Center for Substance Abuse Prevention recommends that these individuals:

• Become involved in Al-Anon and/or Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings, and in individual therapy;

• Develop support systems - Do not share your decision with people who will question you or belittle your decision; Learn how to ask for help. If you feel that your life is described by these characteristics, please know that you are not alone. Help is available!

Resources:

Books:

Adult Children of Alcoholics: Expanded Edition. By Janet Woititz. (HCI Publishers, 1990.)

Healthy Parenting: An Empowering Guide for Adult Children.

Edited by Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D. (Fireside Books, 1992.)

Websites:

http://www.adultchildren.org

http://www.nacoa.org/

Children’s Program Kitavailable from NCADI

http://store.health.org/catalog/productDetails.aspx?ProductID=17245