Interesting Information about Adult Children of Alcoholics

Interesting Information about Adult Children of Alcoholics

Some adults who survived a childhood raised by an alcoholic may experience problems with the development and maintenance of interpersonal relationships as they mature. Many adult children of alcoholics continue to support the “don’t talk” rule and deny that there were problems in the homes of their youth. Others may admit that drinking took place in their home but the drinking has had no impact on their current lifestyles. In his book, A Primer on Adult Children of Alcoholics, Dr. Timmen L. Cermak lists sixteen characteristics that adult children of alcoholics (ACoAs) frequently display. In brief, these characteristics are:

• Fear of losing control. ACoAs maintain control of their feelings and behavior. In addition, they try to control the feelings and behavior of others. They do not do this to hurt themselves or others, but because they are afraid. They fear their lives will get worse if they lose control and they become uncomfortable and anxious when they cannot control situations, feelings and behaviors.

• Fear of feelings. Since childhood and continuing as adults, ACoAs have buried their feelings (especially anger and sadness). In addition, they’ve lost the ability to feel or express emotions freely. Eventually they fear all intense feelings, even good ones such as joy and happiness.

• Overdeveloped sense of responsibility. ACoAs are hypersensitive to the needs of others. Their self-esteem comes from how others view them. They have a compulsive need to be perfect.

• Guilt feelings. When ACoAs stand up for themselves instead of giving in to others, they feel guilty. They usually sacrifice their own needs in an effort to be “responsible.”

• Inability to relax/let go/have fun. Having fun is stressful for ACoAs, especially when others are watching. The child inside is terrified; exercising all the control it can muster to be good enough just to survive. Under such rigid control, spontaneity suffers.

• Harsh, even fierce, self-criticism. ACoAs have very low self-esteem, regardless how competent they may be in many areas.

• Denial. Whenever ACoAs feel threatened, their tendency toward denial intensifies.

• Difficulty with intimate relationships. To ACoAs, intimacy equates to being out of control. It requires love for self and expressing one’s own needs. As a result, ACoAs frequently have difficulty with sexuality. They repeat unsuccessful relationship patterns.

• Living life as a victim. ACoAs may be either aggressive or passive victims. They are often attracted to other “victims” in love, friendship and work relationships.

• Compulsive behavior. ACoAs may work compulsively, eat compulsively, become addicted to a relationship or behave in other compulsive ways. ACoAs may drink compulsively and become alcoholics themselves.

• Tendency to confuse love and pity. Because they don’t differentiate between these two emotions, ACoAs often “love” people they can pity and rescue.

• Fear of abandonment. In order not to experience the pain of abandonment, ACoAs will do anything to hold on to a relationship.

• Tendency to view issues in terms of black or white. When they are under stress, the gray areas of life disappear

 • Tendency toward physical complaints. ACoAs suffer higher rates of stress related illnesses (migraine headaches, ulcers, eczema, irritable bowel syndrome, etc.) than the general population. To help adult children of alcoholics to heal from their past, The Center for Substance Abuse Prevention recommends that these individuals:

• Become involved in Al-Anon and/or Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings, and in individual therapy;

• Develop support systems - Do not share your decision with people who will question you or belittle your decision; Learn how to ask for help. If you feel that your life is described by these characteristics, please know that you are not alone. Help is available!

Resources:

Books:

Adult Children of Alcoholics: Expanded Edition. By Janet Woititz. (HCI Publishers, 1990.)

Healthy Parenting: An Empowering Guide for Adult Children.

Edited by Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D. (Fireside Books, 1992.)

Websites:

http://www.adultchildren.org

http://www.nacoa.org/

Children’s Program Kitavailable from NCADI

http://store.health.org/catalog/productDetails.aspx?ProductID=17245

How Young Children Can Cope With Anxiety

When young children experience anxiety, even the most well meaning parent can fall into the trap of not wanting the child to suffer and in some cases making the condition worse.

Psychologist, Clark Goldstein, Phd, at NYU Langone, identifies steps to help you, as a parent, and your child cope with the anxiety cycle.

(1) Understand that your goal is not to eliminate the anxiety, but help your child manage it.  Most parents do not want to see their child unhappy or anxious. However, removing the triggers/stressors is not the answer. Helping your child cope with symptoms of anxiety and learning to manage these symptoms may help your child's symptoms over time.

(2) Do not avoid a situation because it makes your child anxious.  If you remove your child from the situation that has triggered the anxiety, he/she may not learn how to cope with the situation. Talk your child through the situation until he/she is calm.

(3) Express positive, but realistic expectations. Making empty promises to a child around his/her fears may not be helpful to your child’s personal development.  Instead, you may want to express to your child that he/she will be OK facing the fear. This approach may give your child the confidence he/she needs to work through the situation.

(4) Respect and acknowledge your child's feelings. As a parent, it is important to understand that validating your child's feelings does not mean that you are in agreement with them. You do not want to downplay your child's fears, nor do you want to bring too much attention to them. Listen and be empathetic and help him/her understand what it is triggering his/her anxiety. Encourage your child to face his his/her anxiety.

(5) Talk your child through his/her fears.  It might help your child to answer the questions that may challenge his/her beliefs: "What proof do you have that this situation will happen? If this situation does happen, what options do you have to help yourself?” 
 
(6) Model healthy ways of handling anxiety. You can teach your child how to handle anxiety, by showing them how you handle anxiety yourself. Children are very retentive and will listen/see how you act in certain situations. If you handle a stressful situation in a calm manner, your child will learn this as well.

Symptoms of anxiety may often illicit other feelings in children which may include frustration and anger.  Your child may even present as if he/she is confused and lacks concentration. In summary, if your child is experiencing symptoms of anxiety, these tips may help: 1. Let your child know that he/she is not alone. 2. Normalize your child’s fears; 3.  Allow your child to talk about his/her feelings around the situation that is triggering the symptoms of anxiety; 4.   Encourage your child to face his/her fears. These techniques may help your child lower his/her stress level as well help your child manage more effectively his/her symptoms of anxiety.

Goldstein, Clark Phd. (What to Do (and Not Do) When Children Are Anxious) http://childmind.org/article/what-to-do-and-not-do-when-children-are-anxious/

Ms. Schmoll has helped many children ages 3-10 years old identify and manage their symptoms of anxiety.  Her office is located at 9171 Wilshire Blvd.,, Penthouse, Beverly Hills, CA 90210.  If you think that your child may benefit from psychotherapy services, please contact Ms. Schmoll for a consultation at (310) 281-6977.

Addressing Domestic Abuse

The National Judicial Institute on Domestic Violence has published daunting statistics that suggest that a high number of women are involved in or have been involved in a domestic violence relationship:

Over 500,00 women are stalked by an intimate partner each year;

5.3 million women are abused each year;

1,232 women are killed each year by an intimate partner;

Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to Women;

Women are more likely to be attacked by someone they know rather than by a stranger.

Domestic violence can happen to anyone. Unfortunately, often times the signs of domestic violence are overlooked or minimized, especially if the abuse is psychological rather than physical. According to the Institute for Domestic Violence there are signs in that help women identify if they are in a domestic violence or abusive relationship: 

• Seem afraid or anxious to please their partner;

• Go along with everything their partner says and does;

• Check in often with their partner to report where they are and what they’re doing;

• Receive frequent, harassing phone calls from their partner;

• Talk about their partner’s temper, jealousy, or possessiveness.

Warning signs of physical violence:

People who are being physically abused may:

• Have frequent injuries, with the excuse of “accidents.”

• Frequently miss work, school, or social occasions, without explanation.

• Dress in clothing designed to hide bruises or scars (e.g. wearing long sleeves in the summer or sunglasses indoors).

Warning signs of isolation:

People who are being isolated by their abuser may:

• Be restricted from seeing family and friends;

• Rarely go out in public without their partner;

• Have limited access to money, credit cards, or the car.

 Psychological Warning Signs:

People who are experiencing psychological abuse from their partner may exhibit some of these signs:

• Have very low self-esteem, even if they used to be confident;

• Show major personality changes (e.g. an outgoing woman becomes withdrawn);

• Be depressed, anxious, or suicidal.

If someone you know is involved in a domestic violence or abusive relationship, do not wait for that that person to come to you for help. Express concern for that person without placing judge or blame. Listen and validate her concerns without putting pressure on her to make life changing decisions about her life immediately. Offer help and support to her. However, if the situation in which the women is involved becomes emergent, call 911 immediately.

If you believe that you are in a domestic violence or abusive relationship, there

are organizations that can help you:

1736 Family Crisis Center: (310) 379-3620;

Good Shepard Shelter: (323) 737-6111;

Women’s & Children’s Crisis Shelter: (562) 945-3937;

Jewish Family Service: (818) 787-7581;

Sojurn Services for Battered Women: (310) 264-6646

 reference: http://nidv.org.

 Therese L. Schmoll, M.A., LMFT, MFC50082